I’m going to share some really personal information with you, and I want you to first understand something.
I do not share my stories of pain in order to talk about suffering. I share my stories of pain in order to inspire healing.
You’ll see that I’m a very honest and vulnerable person – even telling you about something that could be easily judged. Personally, I believe we need more honest, vulnerable sharing in the world. That’s why I share openly here, on stages, and in social media.
This might sound odd, but I believe people connect more deeply and authentically in times of suffering rather than in times of celebration or day-to-day life. When there is a tragedy or natural catastrophe, we come together. Most people stop seeing ‘differences’ – they only want to help others. In times of suffering, we CONNECT with each other as we were designed to – with love, compassion, and empathy.
Too many people are walking around with fake smiles pretending ‘everything’s fine’ when inside they feel broken, depressed, or hopeless. When we share our truth, we find others who say, ‘Me, too,’ and then we experience an even more important truth… that we never suffer alone
One more thing before I dive into telling you about my life and my healing journeys, I want to make two things clear:
1) I am not a victim. In one experience I was clearly a victim, however, through healing and forgiving, I no longer am. I believe all our life experiences – especially those that bring us to our knees – are here to teach us. We struggle and suffer for reasons, not because ‘life sucks’ or to be punished by some big, scary source. When we struggle, we learn, we grow, we become better people… at least the opportunity to do so is there. It’s up to you to take it.
2) My stories below are snippets of how I chose to take the opportunity to heal… the challenge of moving through painful life experiences in order to learn, grow, and become a better person. I can’t honestly say that it’s been a joy ride, but I can with all honesty say that it’s been worth it. I believe there is nothing more important than healing your life and being as happy as you can.
Just imagine if everyone did this… what a peaceful world we’d live in.
My journey began with a heartbreak. I found out at the ultrasound for my second baby that he was terminal with Potter’s Syndrome. His life expectancy was five minutes to two and a half hours. I had no idea how I was going to enjoy a lifetime with my child in less than a few hours.
Jonathan was born on September 21, 2000, and I was so happy to have him in my arms for 12 1/2 hours. Not enough time, but more than the doctors had expected.
The pain of losing a child is something that there are no words for. I had prayed while pregnant that if I could be the last woman to have such sorrow in her life, then I’d not shed one more tear.
Being Jonathan’s mom was a huge gift in my life. He taught me a lot. I experienced compassion like never before. I learned how strong I am. I learned to trust God and life. The most important lesson Jonathan gave me was the inspiration to look within, to question who I was and how I wanted to live my life. He sparked my path to finally living an authentic life.
The spring after Jonathan died, while I was pregnant with my third baby, I attended a baby remembrance service at our hospital. Although my belly was round with another sweet baby boy, my heart was heavy with grief. While I was there I had an amazing experience. Each parent was given a white balloon on which we wrote our baby’s name, birth and death date. I noticed some women to the side of me who were very upset. I was curious about the dates on their balloons, and when I looked I was shocked to see dates of death eight years earlier. My heart sank as I wondered if the pain I felt would ever go away. That’s when I had an extraordinary experience.
The world stopped for me, and I found myself in a cloudy ‘bubble’ of energy. A voice quietly spoke in my ear, saying ‘You have choice.’
In that moment I knew I had choice to either remain sad and grieving, or somehow heal – deeply and consciously – from the pain of losing Jonathan. I went home not knowing how to heal, but with a fierce determination to find a way.
The most surprising thing happened after I healed from Jonathan’s death. Of course, I felt happier – the process of healing my pain consciously took me to a whole new level of joy. However, I didn’t expect what came next.
I found more pain in my past. Things I’d been ignoring, or that I’d forgotten about from avoidance, crept up to my awareness. Now that I’d had a taste of healing pain and knew the amazing results, the temptation to heal – even though it was scary and overwhelming – drew me in.
It was time to look at my relationship with alcohol – honestly. Finding an addiction, and all that comes along with that is not fun. Along with the stigma there is a lot of shame, regret, and guilt to look at.
Over time I did it and the result was a sober – and very happy – woman
My next healing had been stuffed inside my heart for more than twenty years.
While going through divorce, I started having a recurring nightmare. Actually it was more like re-living of a very painful night from twenty years prior.
In the nightmare I was again on the floor – forced by a strong man. He raped me then passed out. I hid in a closet for hours not knowing what to do.
At first I wasn’t sure why this dream was coming back up in my life, but then I realized it was because the emotional pain of being raped when I was 18 was still affecting me. I had never truly healed – accepted it, forgave him, left it in the past. For twenty years it had wreaked havoc on every aspect of my life: my confidence, my marriage, my sex life, my sense of self, my trust, and my level of fear.
I wanted it gone. I wanted to fully claim my life again.
It’s too long of a story to explain here, but I began a hard-to-believe process of healing. I worked with a very talented energy healer, and I re-worked my mind around this painful part of my past.
In the end, I was free. Even the forgiveness of my perpetrator came with ease. It was truly miraculous… and so enlivening to leave it behind me where it belonged.
As I hinted at in the above section, another pain I’ve had to heal – over and over again – was from divorce and all its ramifications. My friends have often described it as ‘the divorce from hell’ as I truly received every negative result from it although I sincerely tried to build healthy, respectful, and kind relationships with both my ex-husband and his second wife.
Never in a million years would I have guessed the amount of unnecessary pain that has resulted from divorce. As crazy as this might sound, healing this part of my life has proven more difficult than healing after my son died shortly after his birth because the pain just keeps coming. Unless all parties are willing to create, build, and maintain effective relationships, it’s impossible – so I’ve had to return to healing over and over again.
One part of my sanity through this has been trusting there’s purpose in what seems like very unnecessary hostility, getting ample opportunities to accept behaviors from others that are not only cruel but completely unnecessary, and experiencing many ways of finding forgiveness.
In the end I know I win because I have, even amidst this craziness, continued to treat the father of my children, and his wife, with respect. Because this is a pain so many others deal with, and I have a wide expanse of experience, I am always happy to help others with as I’ve grown tremendously through the years.
Perhaps the most surprising pain I’ve healed – and the most common among the women I’ve worked with – is the pain of having low self-worth. People don’t often think of low self-worth as from a painful experience, but it is.
No one is born with a low self-concept. That is created as early on as in infancy, and if not very young, it is most often something that stems from an experience prior to the age of eighteen. More correctly put – a low sense of self is the result of many experiences that, together, create a belief system which hinders true happiness and real success in life.
However, this can all be healed… once you find the source or ‘seed’ as I put it when teaching others. That original pain – what is built upon often for years – is the part that needs healing. Once healed… you are free.
For me it was a from a series of experiences in my childhood – each contributing to a low self-worth. These experiences left me with beliefs and feelings of being stupid, not fitting in anywhere in the world, and never being enough.
My journeys to heal these ‘seeds’ from my very young years are amazing stories – too much to explain here. One common thread in each journey is the amazing result from healing – a sense of being enough as I am each day, of finding a sense of belonging first within myself, and of claiming my talents and abilities… all so I can use my soul’s purpose to help others.
As my healings continued – acceptance, sobriety, inner peace, forgiveness, tolerance, a strong sense of self-love… I found what I’m meant to do in this world… how I am meant to help others and ‘do good’ for our global community.
My healing lent itself to helping others heal – through private coaching, group work, public speaking, healing circles, writing, energy work, and intuitive readings. Never in my wildest dreams would I have guessed life would bring me where I am at nearly fifty years old, but it has, and I am happy.
The pain from my past was certainly no walk in the park, but the journey – all its highs and lows – has helped me find ME. I finally trust there is purpose in all I’ve experienced and that I am valuable enough to share my passion with the world.
I’d be honored to help you heal your past, too.
There are three ways you can get started below.
