My journey to heal from addiction and shame

My journey to heal from addiction and shame was no walk in the park. Unless you’ve learned very little about me, you know I’m an alcoholic.  A happy, confident, sober alcoholic, but an alcoholic all the same.

I honor AA and think its anonymity is key to helping people get sober.  However, I also believe that when someone, like myself, speaks openly about the suffering of alcoholism it can spark more compassion among the healthy drinkers and possibly the desire to get sober among those with drinking problems.

My journey to sobriety was a winding road, and it’s a long story – too much to tell in one blog post.  The most important part I want to relay in this post is about the final part of my healing.  I want to explain what made my sobriety ‘stick’ once and for all.

You see I wasn’t one of those people who became sober on the first try.  It took a few attempts – I’d be sober sometimes for over a year… then I’d fall off the wagon.  Sober… fall… sober… fall.

Believe me, I grew very tired of myself and of alcohol.  But it had been my crutch for decades.  When life was scary or felt really bad, I’d drink.  It seemed to take all my pain away.  It didn’t matter – fully – that the next morning, along with a banging headache, the pain was still there.

Here’s the most important part… the pain was worse each time I drank.

It was worse because wrapped up in the banging headache and sour stomach was another very large dose of shame and regret.

There is nothing worse than being lost in shame.  It is literally the lowest state of consciousness according to David Hawkins in his book, Power versus Force.  

Those mornings after drinking were hell.  Pure and simple hell.  And it only got worse with each one because with each one I’d loathe myself more.  But you see THAT self-loathing was the key.

It was a vicious circle I’d travel.  Feel pain… get drunk… feel the hangover and shame… loathe self thus creating more pain…. Feel pain… get drunk…

A merry-go-round of insane behavior that was truly ruining my life.  I spun around and around until I realized what I was missing.  Forgiveness.

The first big step in solidifying my sobriety was forgiving myself for all the stupid things I’d done – both sober and drunk.  Releasing the shame I felt.  Letting go of regrets and realizing that drinking was only creating more remorse and self-loathing.

I also had to forgive others.  There were a lot of men I had upset with – namely the man who raped me.  There was anger and resentment, all of which I used as an excuse to drink and get drunk.  My mind would run with justifications that were only truly alive in the past.  

This is a very important part of healing alcoholism that I think a lot of AA people miss.  The twelve steps are important, very powerful, and they work.  But you need to go deeply into your past so you can be free – you need to let go of all the stuff that keeps you upset, angry, sad, loathing, shameful, and unforgiving.

That dark stuff – the pain from your past – that’s what keeps you drinking.  Heal it, and sobriety is a heck of a lot easier to hold onto.

IMPORTANT NOTES:

If you know anyone struggling to get sober, please pass this on to him or her.

If you are struggling to get sober, and you want to talk – please schedule a consultation with me by using the link below.

Love & Peace
Shannon

Next week I’ll be writing about why I hate the phrase ‘Life is hard’ (I really do loathe that phrase and always will!)